More Grad School Angst

It's been a year, a whole year. I would freak out at the thought, if I weren't so mentally exhausted. Who knew school could take this much out of you? I certainly didn't. I figured that I had worked so much (and I did - 15+ hours per day during my last term of undergrad) previously, that the constant academic work wouldn't be that bad. I was wrong. There's a HUGE difference between working for 15 hours a day on non-academic and academic stuff, and on academic stuff. The latter is much more exhausting, much more trying, and much more damaging to your body.

Case in point: me.

I've lost weight. I'm not complaining about it, but I've lost more in the past few months than ever before, and people are surprised when they see me. My father, ever conscious of how I dress, is infamous for having once told me I need to wear loose-fitting clothing. He was here, as you may recall from a previous post, a couple weeks ago, and told me I looked good in skinny jeans. Ya.

My eyes have gotten worse. I think it's because of the constant reading and typing. I've tried keeping my eyes relaxed, taking breaks etc, but sometimes I feel as if they just want to pop out and hide underneath my bed.

My back is messed up - to the point that I can no longer sit in the wooden chairs at the library. I've been studying at another place, or coming home so I can sit in my good chair. Oh. And the back problems also make it hard to sleep properly.

My sleep schedule. Maybe we shouldn't talk about that. Here's what it looks like. I go to bed at 1am. Am up by 3:45am. Get out of bed. Wander around and force myself to go back to sleep. I wake up at 6am, utterly exhausted, and tell myself to doze for another 30 minutes - at 6:30, I fall asleep and cannot get out of bed - physically and mentally - until 8am. At which point I freak out, jump out of bed, and turn on the stove to make my pot of chai.

My diet. Let's not even go there.

General health overall. I've been sick for the past few weeks and it shows no sign of disappearing. Wonderful. Just Wonderful

Oh and did I mention that I have Gujaratis coming out of my ears? That's the thing. As an undergrad, when you can't find the stats, you don't write the paper. When you're a graduate student, you write the paper because you don't have the stats - and formulate the stats for the paper.

Ok. Enough complaining. Back to work. Gotta take these contact lenses out though before my eyes die on me.

Sigh...J-B was right.

Shockingly True

My Google Horoscope for today:

"You remember easier days in the past and you long for their return. You might experience irrepressible anger when you realize that these times are truly complicated and that a return to simplicity isn't likely. But you need not hold on to your annoyance with the way things are now. Although you may be balancing on a tightrope, you have an opportunity to live the life you dream of; don't let this chance slip by without doing something about it."

Iqbal-Love Part '-?-'

As a thousand prostrations writhe in my forehead of humility, come to me Oh Awaited Reality in the garb of contingency.

And when I finally bowed my head to the ground, I heard a voice rising from the Earth. Your heart worships the idol; what will you get in prayer?

In Conversation - With Myself

I'm not completely satisfied.

Don't think of discarding it Nabz.

But why not? It's not perfect!

Not everything can be perfect.

But why not? It HAS to be perfect.

You can't expect things you have no control over to be perfect.

I have no control over this?

No you don't.

Well then, that's another reason to discard it.

Control Freak.

Sigh. Yes.

You know you don't want to discard it.

Sigh. Yes.

You know you can deal with the imperfection.

I guess.

It's really not that big a deal.

I know.

So why make it a big deal?

Uh. I dunno.

Weirdo.

With pride.

Dreaming of Paradise

Gar firdaus ba-roo-e-zameen ast;
Hameen asto. Hameen asto. Hameen asto.

We fell from Paradise; is it possible to fall into Paradise? A la Spoono and Jibreel, to fall from the Bostan not into Ellowen Deeowen but into Jahangir's Firdaus?

I may just end up falling - hard, fast - into the green depths of Paradise...

And never return.

insha'Allah.


Now Friend, the Beloved has stolen your words
Read Slowly: the plot will unfold in real time.
- Agha Shahid Ali

*UNBELIEVABLY MASSIVE GRIN*

I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie. I'm going to see Rushdie.

And the countdown is on!

5 days

Lemons, Straws and Grad School

My father was in town this weekend, less to visit me and more to go to this Indian Classical music concert on Friday. I feel so loved.

Moving on, I think I scared him a bit. I've always been the quiet, thinking type, but have become even more so over the past few months. Grad school will do that to you. The past few weeks have also been mentally tough, so much so that my brain is constantly all over the place. I ran into a friend whilst looking for a lecture room on Friday evening, and ended up talking to him for about 15 minutes (I think. It may have been a shorter or longer period of time. I don't remember). When I ran off to the lecture, having realized that it had (or was supposed to have had) started 20 minutes earlier, I also realized that I'd been extraordinarily scatterbrained throughout our conversation, so much so that I sent him an email apologizing for it once I got home.

Anyway. So Father-Dear and I were having dinner the night before he was heading back to the West Coast. We were waiting for our food to arrive when he asked me why I had been deep in thought for the entire weekend. I looked up and stared at him blankly, as if to ask, 'uh deep in thought? me? no!' He didn't believe me at first, and asked me what I'd been thinking about for the past five minutes. I didn't respond to the question at first. He asked me again. And finally, mustering up some courage (because I was afraid of looking stupid), and putting down the straw for my nimbu-paani (lemon water/soda) that I'd been fiddling with, I said the following.

You see this lemon slice? Well, when it's in your drink, the lemon peel makes one side heavier than the other, which makes piercing the lemon flesh with your straw difficult.

He looked at me as if were insane. I replied, 'Ya. That's what grad school will do to you.'

Mir: I Guess It's His Night Tonight

Mir Taqi Mir:

I've always loved this one, ever since I heard it a couple years ago in Urdu-class. It's fantastic because you can read it in so many different ways.

Ibteda-e-ishq hai, rota hai kya. (?)
Aage aage dekhiye, hota hai kya. (?)

Hide Mir!

Oh my...

What beautiful eyes you have.

I've never seen eyes like yours in my life.

(Mash'Allah)

Perhaps the 'gar firdaus' is correct. Hopefully, insh'Allah, I'll be able to make that decision myself this Summer.

Speaking of Summer. Lucknow for 10 weeks. So excited!